Welcome to the Niggertown Newz.
Where the truth is so much more important than the facts.
AND NOW FOR OUR TOP STORIES:
CHINESE LAPTOPS SPYING ON CARIBBEAN COKOLOKS
BREAKING NEWS: China is not putting spyware into the laptops it sends to the Caribbean because it wants to spread its hegemony in the West and flip the finger at America.
China is actually spying on the Caribbean for a far more nefarious reason. Cokoloks. Yes. Peepees.
Currently, China has a hacker base in Guyana called HUB 79, where agents spend all day infiltrating Caribbean peoples’ computers and all night, you know, jock, jock, wacka, wacka, wacka.
The Chinese government established the spy base when they suspected that penis enlargement drugs do not actually work. Sources at HUB 79 confirm that the primary objective of the hacker mission is to confirm that, in fact, men of a certain ‘racial’ persuasion do, in fact, have bigger cokoloks that them. At first, Chinese intelligence reported to their government that Caribbean cokoloks were in fact a whole nuther indigenous creature that lived only in Negmarron’s pants. However, future investigation revealed that the damned things were, in fact, attached from birth.
Now the Chinese want bigger kokoloks, too.
Hence, the reason, they gave your children those Lenovos with free spyware included – the kids are not using penis enhancement drugs yet.
Having confirmed, over the last year, that 12-year-old Neg in secondary school have bigger thingies than anyone in the Chinese Parliament, the Chinese are now embarking on a strategy of feeding Caribbean people cheap food in a long range plan to even the playing field.
The FLOGG has also confirmed that the Chinese are developing a secret plan to buy up all the yams and bwa banday in the islands. Chinese scientists are currently experimenting with new delivery methods for bwa banday, including injecting it directly into the balls.
Chinese economists have also detected an inverse correlation between penis size and collective economic power, but are unwilling to do anything that might accidentally make the islands richer, preferring instead to endure a more prolonged period of Kokolok Disadvantage.
AGRICULTURE MINISTER SAYS NO TO LEGAL GANJA
Agriculture Minister Musa Jn Baptiste may be a liar but he is no hypocrite.
“Have you ever smoked weed?” he was asked as he entered the last sitting of the house.
“No,” he said, straight-faced and unblinking.
Although he could be telling the truth.
I mean, just because police once stopped his vehicle and found endless pongs of ganja, does not mean Musa smokes it. He might be the kind of disciplined guy who never gets high on his own supply.
Not to mention that he wasn’t driving.
But then, what sane drug dealer in government would ever drive his own car while his own illegal drugs were in it?
Asked whether he supported legalizing ganja, Musa seemed to say he preferred his friends to load his van with illegal rather than legal weed by responding, “I’ve always said this is a regional matter, one we have to decide collectively.”
Yeah. Like the way St Lucia declared free movement of labour. Real collective.
But at least, it’s not hypocris..waaaaiiiitttt…..
Lemme read that story again and get back to you.
JADIA JN.PIERRE: THE QUESTION, THE ANSWER, THE IRONY
NATURE GIRL, ‘RAS JULIET’ REFUSES TO ANSWER THE GANJA QUESTION
In related news, does Jadia Jn.Pierre prefer second hand smoke to actual high grade?
Press Secretary Jadia JnPierre may often seem eager to ask questions that she does not know the real answer to.
But on Tuesday morning before the sitting of the House where Labour proved, once and for all, that they are no better than Flambeau, The Nature Girl made a startling turnaround when she refused to answer a question that everyone knows the answer to.
The question: Marijuana.
The answer: No, I eh answering that.
The irony: That a young progressive St Lucian who has smoked so much second hand weed in her life that she married some of the best looking, most upstanding dreadlocks in the entire OECS will not be open and honest about her true opinion on ganja.
I mean, look at her: She is two pods of Ti Cacoa away from being called Empress. She’s practically Ras Juliet. And yet, she will not speak, much less die for Ras Romeo Bongo Imman I.
After dodging the joint, Jadia then went on to answer endless questions from the media about the industrial dispute between the firemen and the government, in spite of the fact that when it comes to the workers’ struggle, she is basically a blonde cheerleader for the rich kid’s football team.
Jadia then spent the rest of the day posting pseudo-sexy pics of herself on facebook to help people forget about the problems that Lab-Flam is giving them.
She is also doing her part to lobby the government to make secondhand smoking legal and to rename the Office of the Press Secretary.
The new proposed name for is the Office of Blowing Secondhand Smoke.
LABOUR BORROWS TO PAY FLAMBEAU’S DEBTS
When Facebook Star Jadia JnPierre issued a press release saying that Labour was going to parliament to borrow money to pay UWP’s debts, a wave of national confusion bashed the entire island’s consciousness.
I mean, WDMC!
Let them fellas pay for their own debts with our Taiwanese money they t’ief.
Furthermore, if Better Days are Coming, why the hell do we have to borrow to pay for some roads that Guy Joseph gave his brother to build in exchange for a Canadian apple farm in his sister’s name?
The rage of the nation at the bi-partisan betrayal was explained by national genius and head shabine in charge, Kenny Anthony who practically said:
“But if we jail the Flambeaus and take the money back for the sake of the country, what the hell are we going to do when they win an election? No. As politicians we must stick together in solidarity on this. Otherwise, we will have a situation where every time a politician does a little bobol he will have to go to jail. And that CANNOT be right! Leaders should not have to face the same standard of justice as the people. Nowhere in the world does that happen. And you can count in me, it certainly won’t happen on my watch.”
Shaba-Negus is going even further to extend this arm of his ‘legacy’ of protecting corrupt opposition members while looking as though he is ready to jail them.
After it was revealed that he gave conman and pro-HIV activist Rufus Bousquet a diplomatic passport, the Head Shabine Ranking was said to be considering forging a US visa for Richard Frederick, sponsoring a brain transplant for Allen Chastanet, using public funds to buy back Guy Joseph’s Canadian apple farm from his brother-in-law and using his links in China to get a new accent for Gail Rigobert.
HIGH COURT SUFFERS MASS DIARRHEA WHEN FLOGGER ENTERS COURT
It was a historic occasion last Wednesday when MotherFLOGGer Jason Sifflet burst into the opening session of the High Court singing, “Me Ready When You Ready” by Alkaline.
Sifflet made himself even more inconspicuous among the dark suited, black cloaked lawyers by wearing a torn up jeans short pants, with a rope tied around his waist, one side of REEF sandals and a Louis Vutton bananda, straight from Vincent McDoom’s “It’s Nice, But I Wouldn’t Wear That Myself” closet.
Chief Justice of the OECS Supreme Court Justice Janice Pereira spoke to lawyers all over the region via satellite in a joint session that created history.
But even more historic was the attack of mass diarrhea which besieged the law fraternity in Castries as Sifflet walked to the front row of the court, sat down and blazed up a big fat post.
“At first, I thought it was a carrot,” said Bar Association President Andy George. “I never saw such a big joomba in my life. Not that I know much about marijuana.”
“We were completely unprepared for a disaster of this magnitude,” said a frank statement from NEMO, the National Emergency Management Organization. “No one could have predicted this. It was completely unforeseen and we are working assiduously to make sure that we are never caught off guard again, especially since we project that this will be happening with much greater frequency in the near future.”
The FLOGG has confirmed that both Justice Cumberbatch and House Speaker Peter Foster QC required a bath and a complete change of clothing after the unfortunate incident. Many of the older lawyers were spared embarassment because they are already wearing Depends undergarments. Justice Belle, being a man of stronger constitution and moral virtue, merely farted.
Younger lawyers, however, were hardest hit by the unique and historic mass diarrhea attack. Many of them already have smelly reputations and the diarrhea threatened to confirm to their clients that they were, in fact, totally full of shit.
Gay lawyers couldn’t tell the difference between the historic event and a normal day.