FUCK TROUYA, SELL THE DAMNED PITONS

Trouya Beach? People are protesting because the government is approving the sale of Trouya Beach? Nobody goes to fucking Trouya Beach, but now all of a sudden, they care.

Looks like the dog doesn’t want the plantain but doesn’t want the damned chicken to eat it either. But people are like that. They don’t really appreciate what they have, but they don’t want anyone else to really appreciate it either. And so they defend their position with all kinds of pseudo-religious crap that they, themselves, believe, but never actually act on.

In the late 1980s, when John Compton proposed to sell Jalousie Estate to foreign investors, to build an exclusive hotel with no local access, everyone but the money-changers and lawyers were against it.

How could you do that? You’re selling the patrimony of the island. You can’t sell the most valuable parts of a small island when its own people are not developed enough to own themselves yet, far less their land. Blah, blah, blah…

They brought out their big guns…you know, philosophers and pseudo-spiritual types, tropical hippies who were born with tans and that troublesome Nobel Laureate poet guy, what’s his name? Who cares? Nobody reads that crap anyway.

In the end, the hotel got built, locals were practically gated out except by special invitation and the land that everyone thought was so damned sacred became a high class hotel that provided jobs for Soufriere, even though it fails as a business, over and over and over again. In fact, Jalousie’s repeated failures were such a success that now, government has approved the building of Freedom Bay in the same area, hoping to achieve…um…the same result, I guess.

The fact about Jalousie, St Lucia’s first truly controversial apartheid tourism project, is that while most Lucians feel like they lost something when the hotel took over the so-called ‘sacred land’, most St Lucians have never been anywhere near a Piton and have no actionable interest in doing so. Valuing the Pitons is no different than believing in Jesus. People swear by it, but when you look at their actions, it’s more like, ‘Hey, whatever.’

Lucians, right?

Wrong. Humans.

From the beginning of time, humans have made themselves believe in complete bullshit. Even the best and brightest of humanity has been, at times, completely full of crap. Pythagoras, the brilliant Greek mathematician was practically a cult leader who made a rule that you couldn’t eat beans, break bread or eat from a whole loaf. Plato was a sexist who thought that a man who didn’t use his brains would be reborn as a woman. Aristotle, Lao-tse, Hobbes, even my partner Spinoza, all full of bullshit beliefs that assigned spiritual and religious beliefs that amounted to nothing more than a hill of beans.

Luckily, most people don’t act on their bullshit beliefs unless they’re getting paid. Even when there is a penalty for going against the bullshit, people generally act in ways that fill their bellies, shelter them in bad weather and make them feel special, by fiddling with their genitalia.

Perhaps that is what really pisses people off about the selling of St Lucia’s beaches to spurious foreign investors who have no intention of building successful, sustainable businesses. They’re not on the payroll. They do not stand to benefit from the sale of a beach that they never went to anyway. Isn’t that what it comes down to?

Isn’t that the real hill of beans at stake?

It’s not about nature and conservation at all, is it? If St Lucia’s hotel plant would collectively decide to make local arts, crafts and agriculture an integral part of their tourism product and started paying the local producers first world prices, how many of the ‘nature lovers’ would still be out there agitating against the touristification of Trouya?

The preservation of St Lucia’s natural beauty is very much a tribal tradition in St Lucia. The nostalgic yearning for driftwood and seaweed does not cause most nature lovers to stop using plastic, ditch gasoline vehicles for diesel engines that fill up on coconut oil or install solar panels on their roofs. Like Holy Communion, baptism and other religious rituals, fighting for the environment is just an occasional thing that people do to make themselves feel good about themselves, feel like they are better than other people and as a front for not being one of the corrupt and lazy types who make a lot of money facilitating the destruction of the island.

Most nature lovers wear clothes, practice birth control and cook their food on fire. Most nature lovers are just as intrinsically knotted in the wires of technology and technics as anyone else. The hypocrisy of standing for the patrimony of an island which was taken from another people and given to you by people who didn’t belong there is stupefying. The hypocrisy of standing up for nature, whether you are a gasoline guzzling Bobo Shanti or a creepy, leering leader of church and state, you have to make up a new word for that.

Lucky for us, our leaders of church and state have no illusions about selling the so-called patrimony. If Allen Chastanet, Kenny Anthony and their acolytes are to believed, then there is no such thing as patrimony. There is only the economic reality of having to turn things into money in ways that would make Sir Arthur Lewis roll over in his grave.

Which is why it is odd that our leaders have not come around to selling the Pitons yet. I mean, if you’re looking for a big pay day from selling off the most valuable immoveable assets on the island, why wouldn’t you sell a Piton? After all, you sold Jalousie. You sold beaches in the north of the island, denying locals the legal use of them. You sold Fregate Island and Black Bay for no good reason and for no benefit at all. And now, you’re selling Trouya.

Might as well just sell the damned Pitons for a couple of billion and look for a buyer that Dantean butthole called the Suphur Springs. That would solve everyone’s problems. With the amount of money that we could get for a Piton, politicians could embezzle more money than ever and still have enough left over so that the rest of us can have good infrastructure and social services.

Without it, we’re just another Third World country with no food security. So fuck Trouya. Sell the damned Pitons and let’s get it over with.

CHASTANET vs PREVILLE: (The Bomboclat Remix)

 

 

 

 

WHO WILL WATCH RICK WAYNE’S NEW TV SHOW, THURSDAYS ON DBS?

Heee’s baaa-aaack….

In spite of having his show on Choice aborted because no one wanted to watch him rant and shay the letter esh like thish to keep his dentures in, Rick Wayne has convinced DBS to give him a Thursday night show to he can attempt to steal some thunder from Dave Samuel’s popular Mr Chairman.

It will start next Thursday and that, my friends was your spoiler alert.

“Wow, dude, I love your thong. Want to go for coffee after the photo shoot?”

Rick Wayne can’t stand the state of the media nowadays.

After years of fighting for political hacks to dictate the agenda of the political mack daddies, all of the decades of work that he has done destroying true journalism has backfired on him. The hacks now take orders from the macks. And it pisses Rick off, because it means the days of king-making are over, which means that he is over, which was true back when Kenny Anthony first fired him from the Senate, but how was he to know that….

Over the last decade and a half, the once esteemed journalist has blown his credibility on a relentless but failed-filled quest to make Kenny Anthony say uncle. Mistake after miscalculation failed to affect Anthony’s fortunes. Still people believed in Rick, even as though voted Kenny back into office in 2001. But then, a funny thing happened, after Kenny actually lost the 2006 election.

“Mine’s bigger!” “No, mine!” “No, mine!”

Rick did something that would cost him his legacy and his entire public base of support:

All it took was one mistake. During 2006-11 he chose Flambeauz Forty Feeves over Kenny Anthony, even when they were at their very worst, and he knew that international law enforcement was looking for them.

All it took was one long, repeated, chronic, irredeemable error to expose Rick Wayne for the half-baked, long winded, cloudy-thinking writer that he always was.

Poor jab.

If he had just left it all alone and focused on building the careers of the talent around him, like Nicole McDonald, instead of constantly stifling that talent, he might more than Timothy Poleon’s sidekick today.

Speaking of which, you know, Rick is so much of a fag for fame that when Bill Bradley, the famous Watergate editor died, reporters called Rick for a local take on investigative journalism, you know what Rick told them?

“Um, well, you have to call later, because I have to listen to Newsspin….”

No, for real.

That actually happened.

But, that’s for another show. Let us, rather investigate and speculate on the facts surrounding this matter in Rick Wayne’s own style of sensationalism.

This is not a kakalak. It is a hack-a-lack.. Know the difference.

First of all, why would anyone start a show next Thursday, if we’re halfway to Christmas? Perhaps because there are sponsors who are also against Kenny Anthony, who can kill two birds with one stone by sponsoring a Christmas show dedicating to lambasting their worst enemy.

Secondly, why would Rick want to put himself back on television, knowing, as he does, that people don’t want to read his paper, hear him on Newsspin or see him on TV anymore? Why would he do that? If he’s so concerned about the state of the media, why wouldn’t he spend his energy helping to train younger journalists?

What’s that you say? Because he has no energy left, never had any training and because he secretly hates younger journalists unless they have vaginas?

Pa mweh ki di’y….zot ki di’y…

Finally, what does Rick Wayne have to offer than he has not already rehashed, repeated and over-exhausted? Rick talks the game, but when we look at the record, we see that Rick Wayne has been the most powerful journalist on the island in the exact time period when the island got flushed down the toilet. When we look at the record, we see that Rick has written very convenient and selective stories about politics in St Lucia. In fact, during 2006-11, he practically gave the Forty Feeves a free pass to bobol from heaven to hell while he tried to focus the nations’ attention on Kenny Anthony.

What is he going to tell us now?

That Kenny Anthony is bad? We already know that.

That the media is under attack from Claudius Francis and friends? We know that too. The only thing we don’t know is who is going to be watching that show once the Christmas money is over.

Make sure to tune in to DBS next Thursday for Rick Wayne’s new show.

Don’t worry about missing Mr Chairman with Dave Samuel’s because by the time Rick talks for five minutes, you’ll switch back to Calabash.

Oh, and make sure NOT to watch Jason Sifflet on Mr Chairman this Thursday. It’s going  be whack.

Sexaaay!

 

 

 

IS THE RUSSIAN MAFIA USING ST LUCIA TO LAUNDER RUFUS BOUSQUET?

 

Is the Russian mafia taking over St Lucia?

It’s a funny question, because if you ask the Russian mafia that question, they’ll tell you they’re Serbian, they’re Ukrainian, they’re even Armenian and Albanian. But Russian mafia? The Russian mafia, like most other real life mafia, does not exist.

“That’s right. Serbia. What the hell you talking Russia?”

However, recent developments in St Lucia are causing DIS Flogg to speculate without reason that they are doing more than just taking over St Lucia.

A special investigation into the commerce commess that is St Lucia in general has turned up several disturbing and very spurious facts.

Rufus Bousquet is not illegal. In fact, everyone has some Rufus Bousquet and until the political and economic systems in the world change for the better, everyone NEEDS enough Rufus Bousquet to get through the month, pay their bills and maybe have a little Rufus Bousquet left over to save. But the illegal transfer of Rufus Bousquet and the great increase in the laundering of Rufus Bousquet over the years has caused law enforcement and banking officials no small amount of Richard Frederick. With mega-yachts from Eastern Europe now dominating St Lucian marinas and their owners buying up extraordinary amounts of land in St Lucia, international authorities are now waiting with baited breath to catch someone in the act of using St Lucia and its tourism industry and offshore banking to do the one thing they should never do: Launder Rufus Bousquet.

“I am NOT illegal….Why is everybody always picking on me? Why? I’m rich. I’m very good looking. Super smart. And humble to a fault. What have I ever done to these people?”

SPURIOUS FACT #1: The Russian mafia is using Cuthbert Didier to smuggle Rufus Bousquet back in St Lucia, in spite of the fact that Kenny Anthony gave Rufus a diplomatic passport so that he can do any shate with total impunity.

SPURIOUS FACT #2: The Russian mafia is using a big hotel development called Freedom Bay at Malgretoute, not just to smuggle Rufus Bousquet into the island, but to launder him so that when they get him back into politics, it will be as though he was never Bruce Dwayne Tucker or the foreign affairs minister of Flambeauz Forty Feeves.

SPURIOUS FACT #3: Invest St Lucia is not meant to be an economic citizenship program for respectable billionaires running from the responsibility to their country. Rather it has a far more obvious purpose: To reinvest Rufus Bousquet in the St Lucian political economy, once the Russian mafia has laundered him through Freedom Bay that hotel that’s built to fail at Malgretoute. Some think that the Russians may also transfer Rufus Bousquet to some offshore accounts, once they have laundered him and legitimized him with the help of Invest St Lucia.

SPURIOUS FACT #5: All the development currently taking place in St Lucia’s only World Heritage Site is just a ploy to illegally smuggle and launder Rufus Bousquet.

SPURIOUS FACT #6: Facilitating and enabling the laundering of Rufus Bousquet, of course, went to unprecedented new heights under the last administration. The Labour Party promised to change things for the better, but with no plan for improving economic prospects and with so much Rufus Bousquet available from the Cuthbert Didier’s Russian yachts, the new government saw no alternative but to line their pockets with all that dirty Rufus.

Even the cleanest of them, such as Senate President Claudius Francis is now confirmed to have worked to help persuade some stubborn Magretoute residents to sell their land and move, in exchange for 20,000 Rufii. (One Rufus, two Rufii, etc.)

“You see, Jason is trying to goad me into suing him like I’m suing Tim and that guy in the wheelchair. But I’m too smart for him. I know what to do with him. Even though it didn’t work too well the last time.”

How the laundering of Rufus Bousquet will finally redound to the benefit of St Lucia, no one can exactly say. In the past, the profits of Rufus-laundering and smuggling has tended to concentrate in the pockets of the few. Whether the Labour government in St Lucia has the will to spread the benefits of laundering Rufus Bousquet, or whether they are already like all the rest in the thrall of the Russian mafia remains to be seen.

(Not that we don’t already know the answer.)

 

 

JADIA JN.FAKE: THE KOOL-AID QUEEN OF ST LUCIAN MEDIA

       

 

FOR MORE ST LUCIAN HACK-A-LACKERY, CLICK THE FOLLOWING LINK

http://thefloggblog.blogspot.com/2014/10/claudius-sues-timlorne-alva-join-in.html

 

HOW JASON SIFFLET BECAME THE ANSE LA RAYE GREASY POLE CHAMPION

     

Ah, Greasy Pole.

The ancient Negmarron tradition of trying to climb a very greasy pole to capture a prize at the top. It’s kinda like a WWE Wrestlemania event, with high falls, smackdowns and suplexes, except that no one is fighting.

They are all co-operating.

They have to. The pole, like life, is greasy. Very, very greasy. The pole is conspiring to make sure no one can get the prize. It is also scheming to thwart all efforts at co-operation. But a funny thing happened on the way to futility. The oppressive history that ripped families apart, rent the social fabric and destroyed any pre-colonial sense of identity and worth damaged them deeply, yes. But it also failed to kill their sense of humor.

Hence, Greasy Pole.

Negmarron have conspired to turn the epic tragedy called life into a game that’s both fun and painful to play and to watch.

In Anse la Raye last weekend, the most able bodied and thirsty young men and grown boys gathered by the pole on the beach. Atop the pole in a bag that looked like it had ham, were two bottles of booze, a packet of crackers and a tin of tuna. Obviously a subtle commentary by the organizers on the state of the economy and politics and the effect that it has on…um…stuff….

Over and over they tried to climb onto each other, these Negmarron heroes, but over and over the pole thwarted them. Frankly, they looked more like crabs in a barrel that human stacks of bricks. A part of me wondered if a group of white teens named Tiffany couldn’t have done a better job of getting the fake 21^st century ham from the top of the pole.

Everyone was laughing and kixxing off at every fall.

I don’t know when the fun turn into a meta-gory for epic national fail on the part of Negmarron from Haiti to Brazil. Sometimes, I wish I didn’t take life so seriously.

Approaching the unit of Negmarron, I engaged their commander.

“Stay low and stack the fellas. You need four layers of fellas to reach the top. Don’t try to climb before you stack all. Then when everyone is up, all of y’all stand up…and you’ll probably reach the top.”

 

I didn’t think he even heard me, far less listened.

But in the next two minutes it was over.

They stacked themselves low and then stretched upwards, just holding the pole for balance. And there it was.

 

While I took pictures of the celebrations, the commander pointed at me: “Look da man that tell me how to do it.”

 

I looked behind me.

There was no one there. For a moment, the sweet sensation of pride and its incestuous sister hubris filled me with ecstasy. Without even touching the pole, far less falling into the sand from a great height, I had won Greasy Pole.

Yay.

And then, it hit me.

If this method goes out, it could ruin Greasy Pole forever. Every Greasy Pole event in the future would be over in two minutes. And then we would only be left with Greasy Pig, which is not only ethically questionable, but often smells like fear and pig shit.

Dammit, eh.

My only consolation here is that most people who would climb a Greasy Pole are not spending their days reading blogs.

There is only one way to save the tradition now. Women. Girls. In tights. And shorts.

Iif we can get the girls to play, we might be able to rescue it. Yes Girls. Greasy Pole. Yes. It does sound that like something the sponsors would like, doesn’t it? Chauvinist pigs.

 

 

 

DIS-JADIA-RIZING JADIA Part One

TNT: QUESTAYING ESTAY & FLETCHER’S BELELESH

QUESTAYING ESTAY

HERE’S THE DEAL: I FIND IT STRANGE THAT WITH SO MANY UNSOLVED MURDERS, A STRUGGLING ECONOMY AND GANJA LEGALIZATION SWEEPPING THE SENSIBLE WORLD, ST LUCIAN POLICE ARE STILL MAKING TIME TO ATTACK AND DESTROY GANJA PLANTATIONS. SO DIS FLOGG DECIDED TO ASK DENNERY SOUTH MP, EDMUND ESTEPHANE HOW HE FEELS ABOUT IT. AFTER ALL, DENNERY TRAFFICS MORE GANJA THAT CASTRIES, ITSELF. HIS ANSWERS WERE SO DELIGHTFUL, I FIND NO REASON TO EDIT THEM OR ADD TOO MUCH COMMENTARY. OTHER REPORTERS JOINED IN THE FUN, QUESTAYING ESTAY ON OTHER ISSUES.

Marijuana is illegal and I, I, I think think everybody should obey the law. The government should provide more jobs and economic opportunities for the people so they don’t, don’t don’t….It’s illegal and, and…IT’S ILLEGAL….

There is a turnaround on the world economy and we (in the last Flambeau government) were doing what we can to keep our economy afloat.

That is why we engaged in all of the things that we did. To make sure everybody would keep surviving.

That is what my political leader is saying. You have a situation where the economy is not doing well and then all the government does is borrow. Ok. When you borrow to pay your base activities, then you are putting your country further behind.

(What alternative strategies does UWP have a local Lois Lane asked)

My party is putting a comprehensive strategy together. One of the things we doing, we started to do was put that direct foreign direct investment together. We have to look for foreign direct investment so that we can get the multipler effect and so on and economical growth. We need to grow the economy.

(Another reporter wanted to know his opinion on Claudius Preville’s challenge of Allen Chastanet’s UWP leadership.)

I’m not too sure what Mr Preville is trying to achieve. But I will say today, in my opinion, the party is trying to stabilize itself and so on and we should do away with such a move.
I’m sure we’re going to sit down and look for all the pros and cons.

Mr Castanet is blamed as a scapegoat in the party. As far as I see he has done everything to glorify the party and bring everybody together and to restructure the party and you know this is just what Mr Chastanet has done.

That’s my opinion. But I’m still saying we’ll sit down and look at the issues and deal with them one by one. I’m sure we’ll have somewhere within the administration of the party for Mr Preville.

Like I said, that might just be my good advice. But I still think we should sit down and think about it. There has been some talk that has gone around but…maybe not the way that I’ve heard that it would have happened.

MUSA ON GANJA TOURISM

JUST TO BE FAIR, WE NOW PRESENT AGRICULTURE MINISTER MUSA JNBAPTISTE’S UNEDITED QUOTES ON GANJA LEGALIZATION/ BASICALLY, IN SPITE OF BEING TEN MILLION ZILLION TIMES BRIGHTER THAN ESTAY, MUSA HAS THE EXACT SAME IDIOT OPINION.

I’m not sure I have studied this matter sufficiently to say anything about it. The issue of marijuana is something that should be dealt with at the level of CARICOM.
Oh, you mean, like regional unity, free movement, free labour and other things that CARICOM has been talking about for more than 100 years but still haven’t really happened? Like that Musa?

Because anything that happens at the level of a single country will impact what happens with travel and so on…

Oh you mean how Jamaica is legalizing the high grade while the rest of y’all motherfuckers sleeping?

And there are a lot of legal issues that should be dealt with at the level of CARICOM.

So generally, that’s the view of the government. And we are pushing this thing at the level of the region.

(How do you feel about the fact that an economic crop is being stifled in a recession while there are bigger criminal priorities?)

I’m not sure there are bigger or smaller criminal priorities. At this stage, it is illegal to grow or use marijuana. Whatever personal view you have about it, based on the laws of the country…we know there is a process at the level of CARICOM to deal with that matter. And I’m satisfied that the leaders of CARICOM are dealing with it collectively. At this stage it is illegal. So my position is that when something is against the law in St lucia, that we obey the law! And that is what…until that changes…so for now I, I, I, I would would advise everyone to continue to obey the laws of the country.

HAVE YOU EVER SMOKED MARIJUANA, DIS FLOGG ASKED BOLDLY

No, I have never smoked marijuana.

CHICKEN!!!

(Another reporter asked him about chicken production. The genius fell right into the trap.)

Well, in the previous Labour Party government, we, we started a process to ensure that our local farmers produce more chicken and in this Labour Party government, we continue to do, to do so.

I think it is an opportunity for many farmers. It’s a six to eight week commodity. And we continue to do all we can to encourage our farmers. Despite all of what you hear people say, we continue to push that our local chicken is better.

(To which we reply that everything you said about chicken is true about ganja, except that ganja farmers have a guaranteed export market that pays foreign currency and local chicken does not.)

BELELESH:

JIMMY FLETCHER SHOWS OFF HIS WATCH TO STUDENTS WHO CAN’T AFFORD BOOKS

JIMMY FLETCHER AND THE FUTURE

“Nyah, nyah, nyahnyah, nyah!”

That’s basically what Jimmy Fletcher said in his speech to secondary school students last week. Most of them are poor and cannot afford to live in the future like him and the rest of his friends in Lab-Flam.

You see, Jimmy Fletcher has the future all figured out.

Last week at the 18th Junior Achievement Awards, he proved it to secondary school students. At least, his words did.

“We are training people for jobs that didn’t exist just a few years ago,” he said, showing a lits of about a dozen high demand jobs that only existed after the internet was created.
Students were astonished. They didn’t get training for jobs that didn’t exist a few years ago. They got trained to either go to A Level and university or go work on the plantation. I mean, go work in tourism.

“Technology is moving so fast that we have to solve problems that we didn’t even know existed a few years ago. Tech information is doubling every year. The things you learn in first year university are outdated by the time you get to the third year.”

Wow, thought the children. Most of us will never go to university. As a matter of fact, most of us will be abandoned by the government after fifth form, unless we affix our lips to some political party’s posterior.

And then, for some reason, he started boasting about his health watch. It’s a sweet watch, in truth. It doesn’t jut tell time. He tells Jimmy how long he slept, how many hours of deep sleep he got, how many steps he took today, his heart rate blood pressure and when its time to poop.

In fact, pretty much the only thng this watch doesn’t do is tell Dr Fletcher that being in government has made him fat. And that gaining weight in government is a pretty good sign that he’s not working hard enough to help deliver the wonderful future of health watches and washing machines that you can control from space with your mobile phone.

I mean, after all, Fletcher’s government forced St Lucian children to buy PAPER TEXTBOOKS at such high cost that it would have been cheaper to get them all X-O laptops loaded with e:textbooks. If they had tried hard enough, none of them would be gaining weight. They would be gray and thin like Obama. Or Mandela. Even Putin is in good shape even though he spends most of the time running around Ukraine with a white sheet on his head and finding new and creative ways to remind Russian billionaires and punk bands that they are his personal property.

Jimmy Fletcher is a fat fake who says all the right things but has done nothing to make St Lucians feel like they are winning the race to make the future the present.

But why am I picking on Jimmy Fletcher?

Kenny is a fat fake too.

And Richard. And Allen. Fat, soft-bellied, rich men who only walk a mile when they are deliberately exercising with their hi-tech health watches on. The kind of men who can’t get anything right, but who get paid big time every time they do more wrong.

THE NIGGERTOWN NEWZ: Now With More Kokolok, Ganja & Diarrhea Than All The Rest Of The News Combined

Welcome to the Niggertown Newz.
Where the truth is so much more important than the facts.

AND NOW FOR OUR TOP STORIES:

CHINESE LAPTOPS SPYING ON CARIBBEAN COKOLOKS

Everyone thinks the Chinese want to take over the world. But do they really? Or do they just want some bwa banday

BREAKING NEWS: China is not putting spyware into the laptops it sends to the Caribbean because it wants to spread its hegemony in the West and flip the finger at America.
China is actually spying on the Caribbean for a far more nefarious reason. Cokoloks. Yes. Peepees.

Currently, China has a hacker base in Guyana called HUB 79, where agents spend all day infiltrating Caribbean peoples’ computers and all night, you know, jock, jock, wacka, wacka, wacka.

The Chinese government established the spy base when they suspected that penis enlargement drugs do not actually work. Sources at HUB 79 confirm that the primary objective of the hacker mission is to confirm that, in fact, men of a certain ‘racial’ persuasion do, in fact, have bigger cokoloks that them. At first, Chinese intelligence reported to their government that Caribbean cokoloks were in fact a whole nuther indigenous creature that lived only in Negmarron’s pants. However, future investigation revealed that the damned things were, in fact, attached from birth.

Now the Chinese want bigger kokoloks, too.

Hence, the reason, they gave your children those Lenovos with free spyware included – the kids are not using penis enhancement drugs yet.

Having confirmed, over the last year, that 12-year-old Neg in secondary school have bigger thingies than anyone in the Chinese Parliament, the Chinese are now embarking on a strategy of feeding Caribbean people cheap food in a long range plan to even the playing field.

The FLOGG has also confirmed that the Chinese are developing a secret plan to buy up all the yams and bwa banday in the islands. Chinese scientists are currently experimenting with new delivery methods for bwa banday, including injecting it directly into the balls.

Chinese economists have also detected an inverse correlation between penis size and collective economic power, but are unwilling to do anything that might accidentally make the islands richer, preferring instead to endure a more prolonged period of Kokolok Disadvantage.

AGRICULTURE MINISTER SAYS NO TO LEGAL GANJA

Agriculture Minister Musa Jn Baptiste may be a liar but he is no hypocrite.

“Have you ever smoked weed?” he was asked as he entered the last sitting of the house.

“No,” he said, straight-faced and unblinking.

LOL.

Although he could be telling the truth.

I mean, just because police once stopped his vehicle and found endless pongs of ganja, does not mean Musa smokes it. He might be the kind of disciplined guy who never gets high on his own supply.

Not to mention that he wasn’t driving.

But then, what sane drug dealer in government would ever drive his own car while his own illegal drugs were in it?

Asked whether he supported legalizing ganja, Musa seemed to say he preferred his friends to load his van with illegal rather than legal weed by responding, “I’ve always said this is a regional matter, one we have to decide collectively.”

Yeah. Like the way St Lucia declared free movement of labour. Real collective.

But at least, it’s not hypocris..waaaaiiiitttt…..

Lemme read that story again and get back to you.

 

JADIA JN.PIERRE: THE QUESTION, THE ANSWER, THE IRONY

NATURE GIRL, ‘RAS JULIET’ REFUSES TO ANSWER THE GANJA QUESTION 

In related news, does Jadia Jn.Pierre prefer second hand smoke to actual high grade?

Press Secretary Jadia JnPierre may often seem eager to ask questions that she does not know the real answer to.

But on Tuesday morning before the sitting of the House where Labour proved, once and for all, that they are no better than Flambeau, The Nature Girl made a startling turnaround when she refused to answer a question that everyone knows the answer to.

The question: Marijuana.

The answer: No, I eh answering that.

The irony: That a young progressive St Lucian who has smoked so much second hand weed in her life that she married some of the best looking, most upstanding dreadlocks in the entire OECS will not be open and honest about her true opinion on ganja.

I mean, look at her: She is two pods of Ti Cacoa away from being called Empress. She’s practically Ras Juliet. And yet, she will not speak, much less die for Ras Romeo Bongo Imman I.

After dodging the joint, Jadia then went on to answer endless questions from the media about the industrial dispute between the firemen and the government, in spite of the fact that when it comes to the workers’ struggle, she is basically a blonde cheerleader for the rich kid’s football team.

Jadia then spent the rest of the day posting pseudo-sexy pics of herself on facebook to help people forget about the problems that Lab-Flam is giving them.

She is also doing her part to lobby the government to make secondhand smoking legal and to rename the Office of the Press Secretary.

The new proposed name for is the Office of Blowing Secondhand Smoke.

LABOUR BORROWS TO PAY FLAMBEAU’S DEBTS

When Facebook Star Jadia JnPierre issued a press release saying that Labour was going to parliament to borrow money to pay UWP’s debts, a wave of national confusion bashed the entire island’s consciousness.

I mean, WDMC!

Let them fellas pay for their own debts with our Taiwanese money they t’ief.

Furthermore, if Better Days are Coming, why the hell do we have to borrow to pay for some roads that Guy Joseph gave his brother to build in exchange for a Canadian apple farm in his sister’s name?

The rage of the nation at the bi-partisan betrayal was explained by national genius and head shabine in charge, Kenny Anthony who practically said:

“But if we jail the Flambeaus and take the money back for the sake of the country, what the hell are we going to do when they win an election? No. As politicians we must stick together in solidarity on this. Otherwise, we will have a situation where every time a politician does a little bobol he will have to go to jail. And that CANNOT be right! Leaders should not have to face the same standard of justice as the people. Nowhere in the world does that happen. And you can count in me, it certainly won’t happen on my watch.”

Shaba-Negus is going even further to extend this arm of his ‘legacy’ of protecting corrupt opposition members while looking as though he is ready to jail them.

After it was revealed that he gave conman and pro-HIV activist Rufus Bousquet a diplomatic passport, the Head Shabine Ranking was said to be considering forging a US visa for Richard Frederick, sponsoring a brain transplant for Allen Chastanet, using public funds to buy back Guy Joseph’s Canadian apple farm from his brother-in-law and using his links in China to get a new accent for Gail Rigobert.

HIGH COURT SUFFERS MASS DIARRHEA WHEN FLOGGER ENTERS COURT

It was a historic occasion last Wednesday when MotherFLOGGer Jason Sifflet burst into the opening session of the High Court singing, “Me Ready When You Ready” by Alkaline.

Sifflet made himself even more inconspicuous among the dark suited, black cloaked lawyers by wearing a torn up jeans short pants, with a rope tied around his waist, one side of REEF sandals and a Louis Vutton bananda, straight from Vincent McDoom’s “It’s Nice, But I Wouldn’t Wear That Myself” closet.

Chief Justice of the OECS Supreme Court Justice Janice Pereira spoke to lawyers all over the region via satellite in a joint session that created history.

But even more historic was the attack of mass diarrhea which besieged the law fraternity in Castries as Sifflet walked to the front row of the court, sat down and blazed up a big fat post.

“At first, I thought it was a carrot,” said Bar Association President Andy George. “I never saw such a big joomba in my life. Not that I know much about marijuana.”

“We were completely unprepared for a disaster of this magnitude,” said a frank statement from NEMO, the National Emergency Management Organization. “No one could have predicted this. It was completely unforeseen and we are working assiduously to make sure that we are never caught off guard again, especially since we project that this will be happening with much greater frequency in the near future.”

The FLOGG has confirmed that both Justice Cumberbatch and House Speaker Peter Foster QC required a bath and a complete change of clothing after the unfortunate incident. Many of the older lawyers were spared embarassment because they are already wearing Depends undergarments. Justice Belle, being a man of stronger constitution and moral virtue, merely farted.

Younger lawyers, however, were hardest hit by the unique and historic mass diarrhea attack. Many of them already have smelly reputations and the diarrhea threatened to confirm to their clients that they were, in fact, totally full of shit.

Gay lawyers couldn’t tell the difference between the historic event and a normal day.

WHO IS FAT SHADY? THE INTEGRITY COMMISSION’S FAILURE #1

WILL THE REAL FAT SHADY PLEASE STAND UP
PLEASE STAND UP
PLEASE STAND UP

Who is Louis Lewis?

Is he the main obstacle standing in the way of the an audit of Tourist Board?

Is he the cheapskate who refuses to invest Tourist Board money in anything that could possibly get a result?

Is he the moron who approved of $40,000 in Spanish brochures and hundreds of thousands in travel and accomodation to go to a Portuguese speaking country?

Is he all of the above?

Will the real Fat Shady please stand up?

Please stand up.

Please stand up.

Louis Lewis has facilitated budgetary bullshit at Tourist Board since the beginning of time.

Or at least, since he joined Tourist Board.

It’s hard to tell the difference, because there’s narry a Tourist Board exec-director who now cannot be accused of facilitating bullshit. The St Lucia Tourist Board has been an unaccountable cesspit for a long, long time. Any thorough forensic audit will show an exalted former chairman maxing out company credit cards like he flushed toilets. And that was back in the 90s.

But of course, that’s not going to happen, is it?

Why? Because the real Fat Shady ain’t having none of it, dog. All that stuff will just mess with his game.

A real hardcore audit of the St Lucia Tourist Board will expose tens of millions in waste, travel, per diems paid with no receipt or refund, over payments, expensive consultants and, of course, hefty, hefty bonuses to the people who made it all happen at the end of contracts.

Ask Louis Lewis.

Gratuities were at 25% before he came in. Fat, but pretty normal. Last December, Fat Shady’s contract ran out. In the three months during which he negotiated his new contract, gratuities went up.

Significantly. How significantly? Significantly enough to light a nun’s panties on fire?

Not so normal anymore.

Who is Louis Lewis? He is all those things and more.

The most recent revelation about one of St Lucia’s top executives is that the Integrity Commission is looking for him. You see, as head honcho at the St Lucia Tourist Board, integrity requires Lewis to report himself, his money and his assets to the Integrity Commission every year.

But Louis Lewis has yet to decide if he has enough integrity to report to the commission. Or maybe he has already decided that he has none.

FAAAAKE SMIIIIILES!!!!

You see, Louis Lewis is one of about 20 people who consistently fail the integrity test. Of the more than 150 who must report their finances in order to protect their integrity and the nation’s honor, there is that group of chronic miscreants who just doesn’t give a flying fugazi about reporting.

Furthermore, Lewis supporters and detractors both confirm his disdain for tourism research. He hates it when people start digging into the dark, apartheid belly of tourism. He won’t speak to any of them. Researchers contacted by the FLOGG confirm that they felt his hostility (more on the researchers in a future post). Some of them felt more hostility than others.

He never feels obliged to be transparent about Tourist Board’s spending. In fact, he treats everything from the amount paid to artistes to the amounts paid for Brazilian hotel suites as a national secret that the people of St Lucia should never have access to.
As far as he’s concerned, once the St Lucian people give Tourist Board any money, it’s Tourist Board’s money and the people of St Lucia don’t have any thing to do with it anymore.

To hell with them. Why the hell should he be accountable to a bunch of uneducated negroes who don’t understand that there is no difference between servitude and slaver?

Why the hell should he put himself in trouble by reporting to the Integrity Commission? It’s not like they are a threat to him. They’re powerless against everyone who fails to report.

And it’s not like they have money or power….

All those fools have is integrity. (And look where it got them.)

LOUIS LEWIS’ BFFF, VIAGRA BOY. LIVING LARGE @ WINDJAMMER LANDINGS